Brandon from Windows
I just got a call from “Brandon from Windows” that I wish I’d recorded. He, of course, told me (in a Bangalorean accent) that my computer had malware issues. Our conversation went something like this:
“Brandon”: This is Brandon from Windows. Your computer has malware issues.
Me: Oh, no! Should I throw it away?
“Brandon”: No, we can fix it. Are you in front of your computer now?
Me: Yes
“Brandon”: Is it turned on?
Me: Yes
“Brandon”: What do you see on the screen
Me: (Hmm . . . dilemma . . . do I tell him I have iTerm2 in fullscreen, running tmux, with one pane running vim, one running gulp, and a third prompt for running git commands? Nah.) Um, I see some icons. And some clicker things.
“Brandon”: OK, let’s look at your keyboard. Do you see, in the lower left, a control key? It might say “CTRL”.
Me: Yes. Is that how you control my computer?
“Brandon”: No. What key do you see to the right of that key?
Me: (Panic time. I have three keyboards in front of me: 2 MacBook Pros with keyboards and a Logitech K750 Mac keyboard. I don’t remember what key Windows keyboards put next to the control key. Is the jig up?) Um, the option key.
“Brandon”: We are looking for the Windows key. Do you see that?
Me: (Phew) Yes.
“Brandon”: Hold that down with one finger, and press the ‘R’ key.
Me: Capital “R” or lowercase “r”?
“Brandon”: It does not matter. Any “r” will work.
Me: (Mind racing — how can I yank his chain about “any r”? Maybe the “r” from a different keyboard? Nah — over the top.) OK.
“Brandon”: What do you see?
Me: (Ooh, that “run a command” thingie.) A dialog box?
“Brandon”: We are looking for the Run Dialog. Is that what you see?
Me: Oh, yes.
“Brandon”: OK, type the following: e as in echo, v as in victoria, e as in echo, n as in november, t as in tiger, v as in victoria, w as in whisky, r as in romeo, and press enter. What do you see?
Me: (I got nothing. Mind is blank.) File Not Found. It says File Not Found.
“Brandon”: No, what do you see on your screen?
Me: (I’m sticking to my guns here) File Not Found
“Brandon”: Let me get a senior support person.
…
“Joshua”: Hello. My name is Joshua. I am a senior support technician. What do you see on your screen?
Me: (I ain’t changing my story now!) File Not Found
“Joshua”: OK, do you see the Run Dialog?
Me: Yes.
“Joshua”: OK, let’s clear it all out.
Me: (Wishing I were funnier — just like my children do) Clear it ALL out? Or just the part you type in?
“Joshua”: Just the part you type in.
Me: OK
“Joshua”: Now type e as in eagle . . .
Me: Wait! “Brandon” said e as in echo!
“Joshua”: It does not matter. It is all the same e.
Me: Oh! OK.
“Joshua”: e as in eagle, v as in victor, e as in eagle . . .
Me: Ah, eagle again.
“Joshua”: Just the e.
Me: OK.
“Joshua”: n as in november, t as in tiger . . .
Me: Are these supposed to be uppercase? Or lowercase?
“Joshua”: All lowercase.
Me: OK, e as in eagle . . . n as in november . . . does it matter that it’s not November yet?
“Joshua”: Motherf****r
*Click*
This was my public service for the day — the entire time they were talking to me, they WEREN’T scamming your parents!